The Many Thoughts of a Russian
by ValenaSpalko
Summary: The diary of Irina Spalko from ages 14-death. Dovchenko also has a few entries later on. Probably not historically correct. Will contain abuse.


_Irina-1936_

_1st January 1936_

_Dear Diary_

_It is the new year. As this has come about I have decided to write a diary. I am fourteen years old now, old enough to understand the world and what is happening around me. I am fifteen this year though. Before I start todays entry, I think I should tell you a little about myself. My full name is Irina Anastasia Spalko, I have five brothers; Petrov, Pioter, Alexei, Vladimir (Vlad) and Sergei. They are all older than me and all live in the same house as me. A rather daunting concept in my opinion. Sergei is seventeen, Vlad is nineteen, Alexei is twenty one, Pioter is twenty three and last of all Petrov is twenty five. There is two years between each of us. My parents are Olga and Mikhail Spalko. I look nothing like either of them. I guess I get my black hair from my mother but that is it. My mother and father are very sexist. They wanted six boys but I was a girl on the end. This immediately was put to my disadvantage. They have never hit me but they have never shown any affection towards me either. I am mostly ignored or shouted at all of the time. I don't think anyone would notice if I went missing or died. That hurts me more than anything. _

_All I would like is a little bit of affection, just so I could know whether they love me or not. The only person in my household who is relatively nice to me is Petrov, my eldest brother. I think it is because he is older and has matured a little. He collects rocks and he let's me look at them sometimes. I find them very interesting but what I am interested in most is science and the supernatural. This is mostly frowned upon in my village. I live close to the mountains in eastern Ukraine. EVERYONE is supersitious, even my family. Word has spread that I am a witch because of my interests. I also have the ability to see things before they actually happen. This scares me a little but at the same time I want to embrace it as it could be very useful in the future. I have an aspiration to join the russian army. A strange ambition for a girl of my age but I guess I just want to give my parents what they want. They want me to be a boy then I will do a boys job. It is also for myself as I find it rather interesting. Anyway, you will find out more about me as the entries continue. _

_Today the rest of my family left our house to return home after the christmas celebrations. They always arrive on christmas day and leave on new years day. I do like it but I would like it a lot more if I was included. I am pushed so far into a corner that everyone apart from my Aunt Serena forgot to buy me anything. It is not the fact that they didn't get me a present that bothers me, it's the fact that they do not care about me or half the time even know they have a niece, grandchild, sister or daughter. My Aunt Serena bought me this small notepad. I am using it to write now. I do not feel sorry for myself, I just feel sad and hurt. I didn't ask to be brought into this world. Whenever I try to talk to my mother or father they shout at me. All I have to do is even come into the room and they will yell at me. It hurts a lot. I had better go now, I do not want my brothers to know that I am writing in this as they will find it and read it. Goodbye for now. _

_Irina_

_1st February 1936_

_Dear Diary_

_I have decided to write an entry on the first day of every month as it would be hard for me to write regularly. Today I got a letter for July's prom at school. They always send the letters out ridiculously early so that people can pay for it. I really want to go. I have dreamed about it since I was a little girl. Seeing all of my brothers dates at the door in their pretty dresses and their hair done all nicely, I wanted to have that too but I knew I wouldn't be able to. The longing for it made me pluck up the courage to ask my mother if I could go. This ended badly of course with her yelling "you always fucking want something don't you?" in my face as she pinned me up against the wall. I don't think I am very demanding. The last time I asked for anything was when my mother took me to the shop with her and I asked if I could have a new pencil. It was incredibly cheap and I didn't think it would be a bother but it was. I am crying now as I write this. I wanted to go so badly. Although nobody probably wants me there, it doesn't stop me from wanting to just have some fun. I guess I just don't deserve it enough. I had a look in my penny jar to see if I had enough money but I wasn't even close. It is three rubels and I don't even have one. I was very dissappointed when I found this out. _

_Earlier I smelt something rather nice cooking so I decided to go and see what it was. Very naive and stupid of my of course but I find it interesting to watch my mother cook. She usually pushes me away so I don't bother much. Sometimes I even pretend to do homework on the kitchen table just so I can watch her but I usually get shooed to my bedroom before I can even finish a page. I love my mother a lot and I wish she loved me back. All I would like his for her to let me watch her make dinner or even let me join in and help her. The boys usually do a lot of cooking with her and because they would usually fight over who was going to do what my mother said that we can all take turns. That didn't include me obviously as it has been two years since she said that and they boys have had over fifty turns each while I have had none. Anyway, I decided to go and see what was cooking and it turned out to be fried chicken soup. My favourite. My mother had her back to me so she didn't see me at first and I was having fun. Then she sensed someone behind her and turned around. "What the fuck do you think you are doing!?' She yelled at me. Before anything else was said I ran back to my room startled._

_I must have done something pretty bad to deserve all of this treatment. I don't understand what, apart from being ugly, worthless, stupid, useless, unwanted, unloved and a girl. That is what my parents have told me anyway. I don't think they really care about how much they hurt my feelings. I am nothing to them. Like I said in my last entry, they wouldn't know if I went missing or died. Just thinking about the prospect of no one ever loving me makes me want to cry. I will go now before I upset myself any more. Goodbye for now. _

_Irina_

_1st March 1936_

_Dear Diary_

_Today I decided to do some colouring in the kitchen. I know I am fourteen but in my opinion you are never too old to do a colouring. There is a colouring book and pencils situated in the kitchen cupboard which we can use whenever we want to. I took a risk and decided to get it out. My mother came out into the kitchen and to my surprise glanced over without a single word. She started to get cake making materials out of the cupboard. She put them on the counter and then called the boys into the kitchen. She asked them if they would like to help her bake the cake and they all moaned and groaned as they were about to go out and play football. My mother informed them that she wanted someone to help her but they still refused and left the premises to go and play football. I plucked up the courage to ask very nicely if I could help make it. This was returned with a very loud 'No!'. She made me jump. I felt tears of dissappointment fill my eyes as my hope vanished. I went back to my colouring. _

_My mother put everything back in the cupboard and then sat at the kitchen table. As the boys were out and my father was at work, she had nothing to do. That meant I was there to pick on. The insults started with 'aren't you a little too fucking old to be doing a colouring!?'. I replied with 'am I?'. She didn't say anything so I went back to it. When I went to select another pencil I noticed that she was staring at me. I put the pencil back quickly, thinking that I was doing something wrong. 'Carry on' she said. I did as I was told and carried on. Not another word was said until i finished the colouring. 'Would you like it?' I asked. She glared at me. 'Why the fuck would I want that shit' she said. I had worked so hard on it. I was so hurt that I started to cry. She didn't seem to care. I put the colouring book away and just stared at the table. She said nothing else to me, apart from complaining about the fact that my tears were hitting the table. I wish she would have given me a comforting hug or kiss but that is too much to want. I might ask if I can have a kiss for christmas. That might be a little cheeky though. I am going now. Goodbye._

_Irina_

_1st April 1936_

_Dear Diary_

_I plucked up the courage today to wander around the house and see if anyone would let me watch them go about whatever they were doing or maybe if I could be included. I started with my mother who was gardening. 'May I help?' I asked. She just ignored me so I sat down on the grass and decided to watch her. I started to make daisy chains with the daisies in the grass. This angered my mother. 'Did I tell you that you could pick the daisies!?' She yelled at me. I shook my head frantically, backing away from her. 'Then don't do it! How dare you!' She yelled. I uttered that I was sorry and went back inside. Next I went out to the front of the house where Vlad, Alexei, Pioter and Sergei were playing football. 'May I play too?' I asked them. Pioter came over to me and shoved me to the ground which I took as an obvious no. _

_I went back into the house and knocked on the study door where my father was doing a painting. This interested me very much as I had never seen anyone paint before. He motioned for me to come in. 'What do you want?' He muttered. I went over and asked if I could watch him paint. To my surprise he said yes, only if I was going to be quiet though. I sat in a chair next to him and watched him. I was fascinated. I wanted to learn how to do it myself but I was too frightened to ask anyone if they could teach me. I thought that maybe he would teach me. 'Please may I have lessons in how to paint like that?' I asked him. Suddenly without a word he got up and belted me across the face, knocking me off of the chair. It hurt so much, I felt like my jaw was broken. It hurt even more when I fell on the hard wooden floor. I yelped loudly. I looked into my fathers eyes, still unsure about what I had done wrong. Then I quickly got up and ran down the hallway to my room. I held my hand to my burning cheek and realised that it was bleeding. He had NEVER hit me before. This hurt me a lot. He obviously hated me more. _

_It was then that I decided to go to Petrov for comfort. I went to his room and knocked on the door. He let me come in. He was organising his rock collection again. He asked me what had happened and I told him. He gave me a hug and kissed my cheek gently. I loved his affection and gentleness. All I ever wanted was to be held close. He said that I could help him organise his rocks and that I could look at them with him. He told me that one of his friends was a good painter and that they would help me. This cheered me up a little. I am glad that I have at least him in my life. I am very, very, very frightened of my father now. I shall not ask him anything again. I am going now. Goodbye._

_Irina_

_1st May 1936_

_Dear Diary_

_I am fifteen this month, I doubt anything will change and I will probably not be getting a birthday party. I am not being a spoilt brat about this as if I was to have a birthday party, no one would come. I have never had a birthday party or even had my birthday celebrated. The only reason I even know that birthdays exist is because my brothers have them every year. Their birthdays are before mine. Two in February, one in April and one in January. I'm the odd one out there as well. I have never had a gift of any kind. The only present I have ever got is this little notepad. I am not being ungrateful, I just get a little upset about the fact that I am forgotten about and nobody cares about the fact that I have to watch my brothers being adored all of the time while I am pushed aside. I do not feel that my brothers don't deserve to be treated well, I just wish that I was treated the same. Not better, the same. _

_Anyway, since last months incident I have not spoken to my father once. Not because I am too ignorant to but because I am too frightened and I don't think he wants to anyway. He never has. I remember when I used to sit in the corner when I was little, I would look up and just see his eyes glaring at me in hatred. I have told them many times that I am very sorry for being born and that I didn't mean for it to happen. They believe I was sent by the devil to ruin their perfect family of boys. Of course this is not true. I pray at night for my family to love me but my prayers are never answered. Even God doesn't care about me. I will say once and for all, I do not feel sorry for myself. At least I have a family (to a certain extent), a home and all of my basic needs met. I am fed, clothed and I am clean. I am grateful at least for that. _

_Prom is in two months. I am not going of course. I wish I could go. I know I have said that many times but I really do. I wish that for one night I could feel pretty and possibly look and feel nice. I guess not though. I have always dreamed that in the future I will marry someone who will treat me like a princess and really love me no matter what. Someone who will tell me I am beautiful even if I am not and someone who will tell me they love me every day. Someone who will keep me warm at night, someone who will kiss and hug me, someone who makes me feel loved and wanted. And hopefully someday I will have children but none of those dreams will come true. I can guarantee it. I am going to go now. Goodbye for now. _

_Irina_

_1st June 1936_

_Dear Diary_

_I was right. No birthday celebrations. I woke up on the morning of my birthday and imagithat I had a loving family and friends to wish me happy birthday and even possibly give me a present. This was obviously never going to happen. I got up and went into the kitchen where the rest of my family was. I thought maybe I'd get some acknowledgement that it was in fact my birthday. Maybe even a 'happy birthday' from someone. Nobody even noticed me. I sat down at the table and finally my mother noticed me. 'This came for you today, I don't know why anyone would want to write to you but oh well' she said. She gave me an envelope. It was a birthday card from Aunt Serena. She had put five rubels in it for me. I was so shocked but happy! I had never had so much money! Everyone's eyes opened. 'Why have you got that?' my mother yelled. I told her it was my birthday. _

_I thought of all the amazing things I could buy. The local store did all sorts of things that I had found interesting and wanted to buy. Or maybe I could take it on a day out and buy something in the gift shops. I couldn't wait to be given the chance to spend it! My dreams were ruptured when my mother came over to me and ripped the money from my hand while shouting 'you don't deserve that!'. She was right. I don't deserve it but that doesn't stop me from wanting it. When I am older and I can earn some money I don't think I will be spending it on myself. I feel bad about it. I feel selfish. I have been told that I do not deserve anything all of my life. Even when I was a baby. I know I cannot remember that but my brothers can and they remind me of it frequently._

_I am sorry that my diary entries are mostly rambles but that is how I feel and I think I should at least be able to say what I want in my own diary. I am not allowed to anywhere else. If anyone in my family found this, even Petrov or Aunt Serena, I would be in big trouble. Not only because of my freedom of opinion or my freedom in general in here but because it would be confiscated and used against me by my family. Aunt Serena and Petrov would not be mean about it but if Aunt Serena was to read some of it as a joke it would not go down to well. Aunt Serena is a big joker and she doesn't realise whats going on between me and everyone else so she wouldn't think before doing it. Anyway my mother is calling me. Probably for another yelling at. I must go. Goodbye. _

_Irina_

_1st July 1936_

_Dear Diary_

_Prom is this month. It is on the 19th. It is too late for me to even contemplate going. I hate to think of what it is going to be like on the night. Many of the girls that go to my school live along this very road so I will see them going. I know I will envy them. The prom has always been a big thing to me. Ever since I was little and my brother told me about it. I had always wanted a pretty dress to wear and my hair done nicely and maybe even a little bit of make up on. I know that is all a bit out of my league._

_I walk past an art and crafts shop every day on my way to school and I always look in the window to see what new things they have in and what I could buy with the money I will never have. Today though, the man who owns it came out. I was a little frightened at first and cowered away from him. I told him that I would go away without any trouble and that I was sorry but he had not come out to shout at me. He had in fact seen me every day when I looked in the window and I had never noticed. He saw the longing in my eyes and asked me why I never bought anything. I told him that I didn't have any money for anything and he told me that as I like the shop so much and what they sell, I can have a job there! I will be starting tomorrow. My mother and father were not interested at all. Even though I felt this was a little achievement._

_I am so excited to be earning my own money! I will be able to buy things! I feel like I deserve a little something for being able to work there. I may treat myself to something when I get my first payment. I will be getting three rubels an hour. That means on school days I will be getting twelve rubels a day and on weekends I will be getting eighteen rubels a day! That is a lot of money! I am not just going to do it for the money though. I hope to get some experience in the world of work for when I join the army. I know it will be a lot different but I will still have the experience of working. A short entry today I am afraid but I must go. Goodbye and wish me luck!_

_Irina_

_1st August 1936_

_Dear Diary_

_I am most dissappointed. I got my first payment from work today and my mother took it off of me. I was told that it will be going towards buying food and paying for the bills. I can understand this and I would not mind if my brothers had to do it too. They all have jobs at fathers factory and earn a lot more money than me yet they do not have to pay a thing. I am very upset. I know I do not deserve the money but I earnt it with my own two hands and I was looking forward to treating myself. I didn't dare tell my mother or father this though. I would be punished. _

_It has been great working at the shop so far. I don't have to wear uniform at all. I just wear my school uniform on weekdays and what I want on weekends. Usually one of my three dresses. I am currently earning around four hundred and eighty rubels a month which is a great deal for someone of my age. It is too good to be true. Of course I will not know if it is true as I will not get the money myself. I did not get a chance to count it before my mother took it off of me. I know I should make some contribution to the household bills but surely they do not need all of my money to pay for them. My father works and earns a lot every day. I do not know exactly how much but I know it is a lot as he can afford to pay for amazing things for the boys. I wish he would buy me nice things. _

_I saw a really pretty hairclip in the local store the other day. I thought it might look quite nice in my hair and I was looking forward to possibly spending a little of my wage on it. It is only one rubel. I guess not. I have never had any money in my pocket. If I have been given any money it has been taken off of me before I can even hold it sometimes. The amount of times Aunt Serena has sent me and the boys a rubel each and my mother has taken it off of me as soon as the envelope has been opened. The boys get to keep theirs. I guess it is fair. I am stupid so letting me have money when I am undeserving would be wrong. I am going now. Goodbye._

_Irina_

_1st September 1936_

_Dear Diary_

_I got paid again today but obviously I didn't get the money. I have also been informed that I am not allowed to tell my Aunt Serena that I have a job otherwise she will wonder where the money I am earning is going and why I am not allowed to spend it. Unlike everybody else, she actually cares about me as her only niece and the only other girl in the family apart from my mother and grandmother. She says that I am very lucky to be beautiful but I do not know what she is talking about or what she is looking at. _

_I think I am very ugly. There is nothing at all appealing about me. I have a jet-black bob with a very short fringe, weird looking eyes that are an even weirder colour, I am too skinny for my owm good and I am just generally ugly. No one apart from my Aunt Serena has ever called me anything different. I have been called ugly all my life. At school and home. I guess my Aunt has to say it because she's my aunt. I wish I looked like her. She's so beautiful. She and my mother do not look alike. My mother is not ugly but she is very plain. I know that might sound horrible but she really is. _

_My diary entries are getting shorter and shorter each month! It is probably because it is nearing the end of the year and I am so tired. They will probably get longer next year as I will be more motivated. I have been working at the art and craft shop for 2 months tomorrow! It has gone so quickly and I have enjoyed it so much! I am looking forward to becoming sixteen because I am going to be able to earn more money which will either be exciting or it will just be more money for my mother to take away. Talking of, she's calling me now. I shall talk soon. Goodbye._

_1st October 1936_

_Dear Diary_

_It is christmas in two months! I know I don't get to celebrate it to it's full but I love the atmosphere! I love walking past the market and seeing all of the christmas trees lined up next to the stalls and all of the boxes of baubles. It is all so exciting! My father usually takes my brothers out to get one. They get to choose a decoration to put on it. Last year I made a decoration in my spare time at school. I go to the library at lunctimes to get away from everyone, although it never works. _

_I made it out of coloured card and I used coloured pencils to colour it in and decorate it. I had great fun and I even made a little tie to hang it on the tree with. I thought my parents would appreciate the effort I had put into it. I was very, very wrong. I was stupid to think that they would even put it on the tree. I gave it to my mother after school and she immediately tore it apart and threw it in the bin, rather hurting my feelings. I was incredibly upset as I had worked so hard on it. It was a little star. I had even written a little message on the back of it telling my mother and father that I loved them very much, wishing them a merry christmas but they told me they didn't love me back. That hurt me even more and made me burst into tears. They enjoy hurting my feelings. _

_Yet again I got paid today and I have been working there for almost three months now. Obviously I did not get any of the money. My mother and father have told my brothers to start writing their christmas lists. I am obviously not going to write one. That would be very stupid and selfish of me. I should go now, it is getting late. Goodbye._

_Irina_

_1st November 1936_

_Dear Diary_

_Today my Uncle Aleksandr came over. He is my fathers brother. My father has seven brothers but the other six live far away and only come over at christmas. When I came into the living room to say hello to him to be polite he asked me who I was. When I told him he exclaimed 'you have a daughter!?'. My father told him that he does not like to admit it. My Uncle then forgot about me again and I was told to go back to my room by my mother. Obviously I did as I was told. _

_I heard my Uncle say 'I can see why you don't admit that she's your daughter! What a mess!'. That made me cry. Now even he was saying that I look a mess. My mother doesn't care when she sees my tear stained face every day. I cry for hours. I just get so upset and hurt by what my family say to me and about me. I know it is stupid and weak but I do it anyway. I can't help it. I will always be ugly, stupid, useless, unloved, worthless and unwanted so I may as well get used to it while I can. _

_I am very sorry for another short entry. I am just so upset that I cannot be motivated to write any longer. I have had my pay taken off of me again and I have just generally been down recently. I guess being hurt all the time takes it out of me. I get hurt in the mornings before I go to school, I get hurt during school and then I come home to be hurt further. I just get fed up of it and it upsets me a lot. I am going to stop writing now before I upset myself anymore. Goodbye._

_Irina_

_1st December 1936_

_Dear Diary_

_This is the last entry for this year! It is christmas this month and the entire family is going to my grandmothers big house in Kiev. Even I am going. I expect I will be locked in a room all day though. My grandmother absolutely hates me. Even more than my mother and father do. How wonderful to be surrounded by people who hate you so much. Especially when it's your own family as well. _

_Today my mother and father took us to the big shops and they told us to go an choose a big christmas present. I knew immediately that, that excluded me. The boys went off and I just stayed in the same aisle as my parents. They only take me with them because they don't trust me in the house alone. They don't trust me in the car either. They think I'm going to do something stupid or steal from them or something. I stayed as far away as I could from them as I didn't want to anger them in any way. I looked at all of the different gifts. I longed for nearly all of them but I knew I would never even get one. I remember when I was little father christmas was in the store in a little grotto at the back. My mother and father took the boys in but I was made to stand outside with a shop assistant. They told her that I had been naughty so she asked me what I had done. I told her that I had asked if I could go in as well. I know this was incredibly naughty and I have promised never to do anything else like that again. _

_I have had my pay taken off of me again. I had a tiny hope that maybe they wouldn't take all of it because it is going to be christmas but I was wrong. I am so naive. Anyway I hope that maybe I will enjoy christmas a little this year even though I'm not sure if I deserve to. I shall talk to you next year! Goodbye._

_Irina_


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